Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Humpty Dumpty

There are so many days when I really feel Heavenly Father lift my feet off the bed, help me stand tall and put a smile on my face. Most of the time I just want to cry and cry some more, but my faith and my family hold me all together. Sometimes I feel like humpty dumpty and I can't get put back together again.

Although, I do know that in time all wounds heal, but some of those scars that we have may never fully recover.

I don't know when my eating disorder started.... but it got pretty bad after I had Mattie. Something just clicked and I just didn't eat. So many times I would go back and forth and say "yes, I do have one" or "no I don't, I am just fine" then I would look in the mirror and say "oh my gosh... how did I get like this"

I always distorted my image, always saw something else. It was like a costume I put on everyday, not sure if it was going to be the good one or a bad one, a blimp or just a normal person.

In my counseling sessions I met some interesting friends and learned lots of tricks...

I used to ALWAYS use a thick cup, not a glass one had to be a solid cup. That way I could spit my food in my cup, and then say "oh I need more water" then dump it out and rinse the cup or just spit it into my napkin carefully. If you drink 2 tbls of vinegar before you eat, you will eat a lot less...

So, when Aaron (Matties dad) and I were married, he tried his best to help, but I don't think at the time I was ready to. I was in control of my self and no one could tell me no or what to do. I was a stay at home mom and kept so busy..... I love to clean, if I am cleaning then I will be too busy to think about eating. We decided we weren't ment to be and it was a peaceful divorce and we still are very good friends.

*** He did tell me this though, "Heidi I know you love Mattie more than anything, so I know you will do the right thing and get better for her, if you don't I will get custody of her" So, I did... I struggled everyday but I did it... I was still in control and I was eating and my beautiful daughter was growing and healthy and sweet.

When did it fall apart? hmmm, I don't know if it ever was fully intact or if it can be for some people. A lot of eating disorders are a control issues, or just low self esteem. I do know that I try everyday to eat and eat something healthy.. my friends at work watch over me all the time and remind me to eat.

Some days when I eat, I feel so guilty and gross... my teeth feel ick and my mouth just doesn't like it, so I do skip meals, however, I always make sure my kids see me eat. Today, has been a good day, eating lunch was good and I feel good.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My story

I haven't blogged in so long, sorry for that. I just recently talked on the phone with this counselor and he mentioned to me to write, write it all down. Get it out there and off my mind and out of my mind. There is so much, I don't know where to begin, some people knew lots of my story and some knew nothing about me really.

Kevin and I had been together 10 years and married 6 years.. he is charming, and spontaneous. He has a bad boy kind of vibe to him, with a sweet personality. On June 6Th. 2005 we decided to join our families and be one... so I became Mrs. Heidi Rogers, we celebrated with our kids and a nice dinner.

In the meantime, two sweet missionaries came to our door and I wasn't interested and about to shut the door; Kev said he was interested and so they had a discussion in our front room. Kevin and Mattie listened in on the talk and I just was a big bumpy prego going about my chores. Yep, kind of like Cinderella... but with a big ol belly that got in the way at times.

The missionaries came several more times and the more they came the more I got involved as well. We started praying as a family and doing family home evening and yep.... we went to church. I thought the walls would cave in on me, but nope. We were all accepted in with open and happy hearts.

Kevin and I were looking for a new house to help fit our family that was growing... we found a nice cute house in a cul-de-sac and right next to the Jr. High and Elementary schools. We were so excited it would be so easy for Mattie and Brohlen. We loved our house, we did a lot of fixing up in the yard and in the house. We had a trampoline, swing set, four happy kids, and life was good.

On the outside we all looked so happy, we looked like we had the perfect marriage, we had it all.

It amazes me how we can see people everyday, either a friend, or neighbor, or just pass by someone in the store and have no idea what they are REALLY going through.

My story isn't always a happy one, but its mine and I am ready to share all those fires I have walked through and the egg shells I have had to carefully walk on to not crack it.

My journey through anorexia, single young mom, abusive relationship and now a single OLD (hehe) mom, begins tomorrow.