Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Humpty Dumpty

There are so many days when I really feel Heavenly Father lift my feet off the bed, help me stand tall and put a smile on my face. Most of the time I just want to cry and cry some more, but my faith and my family hold me all together. Sometimes I feel like humpty dumpty and I can't get put back together again.

Although, I do know that in time all wounds heal, but some of those scars that we have may never fully recover.

I don't know when my eating disorder started.... but it got pretty bad after I had Mattie. Something just clicked and I just didn't eat. So many times I would go back and forth and say "yes, I do have one" or "no I don't, I am just fine" then I would look in the mirror and say "oh my gosh... how did I get like this"

I always distorted my image, always saw something else. It was like a costume I put on everyday, not sure if it was going to be the good one or a bad one, a blimp or just a normal person.

In my counseling sessions I met some interesting friends and learned lots of tricks...

I used to ALWAYS use a thick cup, not a glass one had to be a solid cup. That way I could spit my food in my cup, and then say "oh I need more water" then dump it out and rinse the cup or just spit it into my napkin carefully. If you drink 2 tbls of vinegar before you eat, you will eat a lot less...

So, when Aaron (Matties dad) and I were married, he tried his best to help, but I don't think at the time I was ready to. I was in control of my self and no one could tell me no or what to do. I was a stay at home mom and kept so busy..... I love to clean, if I am cleaning then I will be too busy to think about eating. We decided we weren't ment to be and it was a peaceful divorce and we still are very good friends.

*** He did tell me this though, "Heidi I know you love Mattie more than anything, so I know you will do the right thing and get better for her, if you don't I will get custody of her" So, I did... I struggled everyday but I did it... I was still in control and I was eating and my beautiful daughter was growing and healthy and sweet.

When did it fall apart? hmmm, I don't know if it ever was fully intact or if it can be for some people. A lot of eating disorders are a control issues, or just low self esteem. I do know that I try everyday to eat and eat something healthy.. my friends at work watch over me all the time and remind me to eat.

Some days when I eat, I feel so guilty and gross... my teeth feel ick and my mouth just doesn't like it, so I do skip meals, however, I always make sure my kids see me eat. Today, has been a good day, eating lunch was good and I feel good.


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