Sunshine

Before Brohlen was born, it had been a year since Mattie was diagnosed with diabetes, and she recently was diagnosed with epilepsy.

I was in my last trimester with Brohlen, and of course very LARGE... and it was in July so extremely HOT. Mattie had seized and the night before Kevin was at a card game, so he was passed out on the couch. I grabbed Mattie in my arms and with Callie's help we managed to get her in the van and up to the hospital.

At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal, he went and had fun and is sleeping, however, I should never have to rely so much on my children to help me in that way. Callie (7) at the time, had to help me get my shoes on, since I was nice and plump, she had to put herself in the doorway so that Mattie would hit her head. I almost dropped her and I remember Callie running and tripped on the stairs to get to both of us.

Neither one of us cried at that time, we were so focused on getting Mattie to the hospital. Callie sat in the back with Mattie, both of us singing "You are my Sunshine" that's Mattie's favorite song. I have sang that song to her since she was in my belly, and when she seizes she is so calm when I sing that song to her. Now, I have no singing voice, I really sound horrible, but for some reason she like when I sing to her.

When we got the ER, Callie ran in the building telling them we need help and by the time the nurses got out to me, my plumpness and Mattie were on the ground. I felt pretty stupid, but geez I am pregnant and trying so hard to carry Mattie who was 7.

So, we get Mattie in and they are running blood test and took her to a CT Scan, Callie and I finally looked at each other and started to cry. She said "mom, I thought you both were going to die, when you almost fell" she is so sweet. Callie and I sat and cried for a good hour before they brought Mattie back into the room. All was well and I opted to take her home.

We got home and at this point it is well into the day, we left early in the morning and got home about 3 or so in the afternoon. Kevin was lounged on the couch and had no clue what had happened or where we were. Hmmmm, you would have thought I would have seen it all then. Well I did see it, but just had a lot of hope that we could still work it out and keep our family.

I knew he drank, but I didn't think it would ever get out of control. I can see now why some woman or men stay in those relationships, however, I hope they see their worth and the worth of their kids before its too late.

My kids are my SUNSHINE, forever and always. I still see the very best in people, see the best in situations. I will see the sunshine in myself and my kids.

New

I knew Kevin drank, it wasn't bad at the time, he would have a beer or a whiskey some days, then when the missionaries came along he quit. Just quit cold turkey... I was so shocked, he seemed to have much more in life than the alcohol, like the kids and I were so important.

Now, for me... it doesn't matter if he drank or smoked or even that he didn't go to church. Yes, it would have been wonderful for him to come every Sunday and help me out, or to not have to worry about the smell of the smoke or his drinking. But, I really accepted him for everything he was, I loved him for the hard work he did and for the man I could see him trying to be. I know that when we love someone we love them for ALL the BAD, the GOOD and the hardest of times, you try your hardest to help them succeed. So, I was not about to tell him how to live his life, or that he needed to do what I wanted him to do.

Some days I would cry in church seeing all these cute families and the daddy's taking the silly kids out in the hall, or helping to break up a fight between the kids, or even just putting his arm around his wife. I would never take those small things for granted. But I went and made it my own, and knew maybe someday...

But then something happened, he started to have a whiskey or two or three... every night. I would take him and his brother to poker games or to the bar, and I would have to pick them up at or around 2am, that way I knew he was safe. I am not sure if I did it to make him happy, afraid of what he would do, or If I really was OK with it. Maybe I enabled him too much, gave him to many windows and opportunities to drink and do what ever? not sure... guess it doesn't really matter now.

Sometimes when I would pick him up he was nice, and others not so nice. He never hit me at this point, just was verbally abusive. Yelled at me for the way I drove, or the way I looked at 2 in the morning, like I was supposed to look like a MOVIE STAR? made me feel very self conscience of myself. I just sat and ignored him, but the more times you hear it the more you dwell on it. Then it got to the point that I would have to get ready before I picked him up, maybe that would make him happier and when he came home I wouldn't be afraid of the yelling and waking the kids up.

My heart is still so heavy, so many scars to have to heal, so angry that I even have to try and heal these wounds. Here it is now right before Thanksgiving, one of my worst holidays... way too much food, and every one expecting me to EAT more than I can. And yet, I am angry and I should be thankful.

I do know that there are MANY, MANY things that I am thankful for, I see it in my kids, my strength, family and friends. I will keep smiling and keep my head high, for I know My true WORTH.

Humpty Dumpty

There are so many days when I really feel Heavenly Father lift my feet off the bed, help me stand tall and put a smile on my face. Most of the time I just want to cry and cry some more, but my faith and my family hold me all together. Sometimes I feel like humpty dumpty and I can't get put back together again.

Although, I do know that in time all wounds heal, but some of those scars that we have may never fully recover.

I don't know when my eating disorder started.... but it got pretty bad after I had Mattie. Something just clicked and I just didn't eat. So many times I would go back and forth and say "yes, I do have one" or "no I don't, I am just fine" then I would look in the mirror and say "oh my gosh... how did I get like this"

I always distorted my image, always saw something else. It was like a costume I put on everyday, not sure if it was going to be the good one or a bad one, a blimp or just a normal person.

In my counseling sessions I met some interesting friends and learned lots of tricks...

I used to ALWAYS use a thick cup, not a glass one had to be a solid cup. That way I could spit my food in my cup, and then say "oh I need more water" then dump it out and rinse the cup or just spit it into my napkin carefully. If you drink 2 tbls of vinegar before you eat, you will eat a lot less...

So, when Aaron (Matties dad) and I were married, he tried his best to help, but I don't think at the time I was ready to. I was in control of my self and no one could tell me no or what to do. I was a stay at home mom and kept so busy..... I love to clean, if I am cleaning then I will be too busy to think about eating. We decided we weren't ment to be and it was a peaceful divorce and we still are very good friends.

*** He did tell me this though, "Heidi I know you love Mattie more than anything, so I know you will do the right thing and get better for her, if you don't I will get custody of her" So, I did... I struggled everyday but I did it... I was still in control and I was eating and my beautiful daughter was growing and healthy and sweet.

When did it fall apart? hmmm, I don't know if it ever was fully intact or if it can be for some people. A lot of eating disorders are a control issues, or just low self esteem. I do know that I try everyday to eat and eat something healthy.. my friends at work watch over me all the time and remind me to eat.

Some days when I eat, I feel so guilty and gross... my teeth feel ick and my mouth just doesn't like it, so I do skip meals, however, I always make sure my kids see me eat. Today, has been a good day, eating lunch was good and I feel good.

My story

I haven't blogged in so long, sorry for that. I just recently talked on the phone with this counselor and he mentioned to me to write, write it all down. Get it out there and off my mind and out of my mind. There is so much, I don't know where to begin, some people knew lots of my story and some knew nothing about me really.

Kevin and I had been together 10 years and married 6 years.. he is charming, and spontaneous. He has a bad boy kind of vibe to him, with a sweet personality. On June 6Th. 2005 we decided to join our families and be one... so I became Mrs. Heidi Rogers, we celebrated with our kids and a nice dinner.

In the meantime, two sweet missionaries came to our door and I wasn't interested and about to shut the door; Kev said he was interested and so they had a discussion in our front room. Kevin and Mattie listened in on the talk and I just was a big bumpy prego going about my chores. Yep, kind of like Cinderella... but with a big ol belly that got in the way at times.

The missionaries came several more times and the more they came the more I got involved as well. We started praying as a family and doing family home evening and yep.... we went to church. I thought the walls would cave in on me, but nope. We were all accepted in with open and happy hearts.


Kevin and I were looking for a new house to help fit our family that was growing... we found a nice cute house in a cul-de-sac and right next to the Jr. High and Elementary schools. We were so excited it would be so easy for Mattie and Brohlen. We loved our house, we did a lot of fixing up in the yard and in the house. We had a trampoline, swing set, four happy kids, and life was good.


On the outside we all looked so happy, we looked like we had the perfect marriage, we had it all.

It amazes me how we can see people everyday, either a friend, or neighbor, or just pass by someone in the store and have no idea what they are REALLY going through.

My story isn't always a happy one, but its mine and I am ready to share all those fires I have walked through and the egg shells I have had to carefully walk on to not crack it.

My journey through anorexia, single young mom, abusive relationship and now a single OLD (hehe) mom, begins tomorrow.

I cooked!!

Kev and I have a sort of set rule....

He cooks and I clean. He is not ALLOWED to do the laundry, everything turns out bleached, he doesn't clean because I usually have it done. He does help though...

Kevin is a really good cook, he is creative and he loves when the kids help him too, but his little draw back is EVERY MEAL IS MEAT & POTATOES, UGH!

I know I shouldn't be complaining, because at least he cooks. When Kev is not home to cook than my kids have cereal or frozen pizza's, ya know easy stuff. This is because food is BORING, and I can't touch the meat. It seriously makes me sick. The smell, the texture ALL OF IT! BLAH.

So, Kev has had to work 10 hour days, and than had to work Saturday and Sunday. So, guess what???

I actually cooked dinner for him. NOPE it wasn't frozen pizza or sloppy Joe's....

I made steaks and mashed potatoes with gravy and rolls. Then I made Chicken w/cheesy noodles and salad.

Guess what else??

They ALL liked it!!

This doesn't mean I am ALWAYS going to cook, it just goes to show when you really want to do something you just do it.

Another good thing is, I teach dance at Dance Image Studios. On Friday we performed at the Utah Jazz game and did a fabulous job. Kev and the kids were there and we got to go to the Jazz game and have lots of fun. It's good to be back into dance, I didn't know how much I missed it until now. Although, I am not home a lot but, I enjoy it and the girls are so much fun.

{ OUR SeCrEt }

I have a secret that I will share with you....I know that your not supposed to tell secrets, but this is too cute to not say. Kevin and Mattie don't even know!!

Since I went back to teaching dance, I usually don't get home til late. My sweet Brohlen waits up for me to get home.

Any one that knows me knows I LOVE TREATS, cupcakes, candy bar, ice cream, any fun treat you can think of I LOVE IT!!

So, since Brohlen is usually awake on my late nights, him and I share a small SECRET. We get a treat whether it's crackers and cheese, apples, chocolate, cupcake, ice cream, carrots and ranch... you get the picture.

Yep, him and I sneak a treat and than we EAT IT in his room and giggle, that no one knows our little secret. He makes me laugh because he just giggles and thinks it's the best thing in the world.

The other night I came home and he ran down gave me a HUGE (((HUG))) and couldn't wait to show me what he had in his bedroom. We sneak upstairs and under the covers was....

HOLY MOLY TREATS.. I think he had every kind of treat we had in our house, he had:
A Twinkie,
Crackers,
Apple,
a bag full of our bite sized candy bars,
the box of Toaster Strudels,
Pop Tart,
He cracks me up he said " We can only have one bite of each treat"

NO, we did not eat those. We had crackers with some pepper jack cheese, brushed our teeth and went to bed. I am so thankful these times and these SECRETS we share.

I know that I will never forget them and neither will he, and maybe one day when he is like 30 he can have a SECRET with one of his kids.

I really need to getting blogging more often.. I love seeing every ones blogs and their cute families, and all the fun stuff every one has been up too.


We had a good Christmas! This year we decided not to do a BIG xmas. Growing up I had a HUGE x-mas, there were presents galore, and when I had my kids, I thought that's the way it was supposed to be.


Well, it's not... or at least it doesn't have to be. We cut back, and I am so proud of my kids. ALL of them were extremely grateful for FAMILY and for the presents that they did get. I am really blessed to have them in.


Mattie is doing much better, YEAHHH although we are in puberty stage and that does mess w/her blood sugars, and we do have unexpected highs and lows.. but, with lots of testing and care full planning we are managing very well.


I usually NEVER set New Years Resolutions, it is hard to set something because than you want it more. But, this year... I really want to keep a journal as well as blog more. I love that I can write or say what I need to and then it's off my chest or get advice!!


We will see how it goes! Here are some pic's of my fam!

Halloween Party

Our witch's BREW
My decorated table

Our finger food!

The cutest girls!

Bloody cups!

Mattie's Halloween Party was a blast...

We had so much fun. We played Ghost in the Graveyard and Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board, as well as a vampire game. We had a fashion show, and costume contest, scary movie, and scary and gory things to eat...

Kevin got us a fog machine,

and it made our house even SCARIER!!

The girls were so much fun, we really had a good time.

Inhale and Exhale

When did my kids grow up??

Where have I been through all this, I don't remember them growing up !! (j/k)

Mattie ALWAYS has her cute friends over,
and they came to Kev and I last night

"We are having a Halloween Party on Sat,.."
"ooh we need you to help us make invitations"

Yep,
There was no ASKING
We were TOLD!!

Kev and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders
and went to get the scrap book stuff out to make invitations.

How come I can't SAY NO??

I guess I would rather have them at our house
then I know what is going on and what is being said.
We want our kids to have the best time in life,
and so LET'S PARTY!!!

One of Mattie's friends said "your parents ROCK"

Yeah for us!!

We are now planning a 6th grade Halloween party.

I will need ideas, you mom's!!

I Love Him

I love this guy!!

WE ARE {PERFECT}

Ok, just kidding, we are not perfect, nor do we have a perfect marriage.

But, we have each other.

He is always saying something funny,

he is so smart,

he is charming,

he ALWAYS smells sooo good, yumm.

We have been throug a lot this last couple of months,

and have tried so hard to work together to figure things out.

Last night Kev came in bed and woke me up

"hey, I just wanted to tell you that I love you"

me: "I love you too, good night"

Kev: "no, I mean I really do love you and is there anything I can do for you to help you"

me: " ummm, no, I love you too. Go to bed"

Kev: " I can't sleep, I feel like I just need to talk to you"

So, NOW I am awake, and we talked about our future,

our kids

our dreams

wants

desires

EVERYTHING

and we laughed.

He is so funny

The thing that made me feel bad and the reason for the post is;

He said " I love our kids, but I love you sooo much more, is that bad"

Me: "No, it's not"

Kev: " Well I love being with them, but nothing compares to when I am with you,

or when we are hanging out"

I on the other hand, I think I feel differently.

I love Kevin with all my heart,

but,

I love my kids....

When I wake up I think of them first,

when I shop, I think of them first,

EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR MY KIDS!

Is this a MOTHER thing??

Why do I feel bad, that my kids are first??